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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Down day

I am not sure why but I am feeling pretty down today. Probably because I am so tired and I have been so busy. I found myself uncomfortable at the gym. I noticed I was lifting weights between two ladies who were basically half my size. I felt like it would take the two of them combined to equal me.

Also I find myself thinking of myself as "damaged goods" as I prepare for the next surgery. The "new girls" don't look too bad but they are far from normal looking as well. The cancer side has "dents" in it from the way they had to cut out the tissue and from the lymph node removal. The plastic surgeon is planning to fill that in during the revision stage in a few weeks. My orginial breasts weren't Playboy bunny material either but at least they looked normal. Maybe once the doctor creates nipples I will feel more complete.

Yep, I certainly need to get to bed early tonight and get some decent sleep!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Up and down

I have had a crazy few weeks and I have been going nonstop. It is difficult to fit in workouts and eat right when I am teaching workshops all weekend and then going to BBQs and birthday parties in the evenings. But I am hanging on - barely. I am still struggling to run and I am not sure what I need to do to break through it.

On the survivor front, I had a chest x-ray almost two weeks ago and still haven't heard the results. So I am assuming there was nothing to worry about. Today I met with my plastic surgeon to start prepping for the next phase. Revisions and creating nipples with skin grafting and twist and stitch. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? I am looking forward to having it done though in hopes I will look more and more "normal" as we complete each step.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Another one

This week we lost another wonderful woman off our message board. "Shabby" was 33 with a sweet little girl who I think is five.

This last month has been very rough on our group and I am torn about visiting the website. I want to be there to remember this wonderful woman and support the rest of the ladies who are also mourning. However it is so difficult to keep reading about these young women losing their battle and leaving behind young children. It forces me to assess my own mortality and examine the reality that I could one day be in a similar situation in 6 months or 6 years. It will always be in the back of my mind and I try to always keep it there - hidden and locked away. The recent losses has opened that door of fear but I can't avoid the message boards. I need those women and they need me and we all need to be able to remember and mourn those who have passed and support those that are still fighting everyday.

As many survivors say - Forget Awareness - Find a CURE!