The Water Park Workout

As mentioned in the previous post, we spent our day at the water park. I kept telling myself that I need to workout tonight but after the workout there I am not so sure. I estimate I climb about 20 flights of stairs and some of the time carrying an intertube. I walked and swam more than a mile in the endless river and fought the waves in the wave pool for 30 minutes. I never relaxed in an intertube in the river or the wave pool so it was constant muscle work - me against the water or chasing down my daughter. No wonder I feel so tired. Since it didn't feel like a workout I still plan to run and lift some weights in a bit - if I can find the energy.

Swimming suits - Blech!

Today the family went to the local area water park. We had a great time and are exhausted after 5 hours in the water and sun. I did struggle a bit though. This is the first time I have been out in public in a swimsuit since my diagnosis. I have been to my cousin's pool and swam laps at the gym but not out in the public eye. I tried on all 4 swimsuits I had and none felt comfortable. My mastectomy swimsuit is now too big and it comes up to my neck anyway so I feel like a grandma. My "slimming" suit is from before cancer and about 25 pounds ago so I couldn't even get it on. I recently bought a bikini thinking with my new "girls" and slimmed down stomach I might be able to pull it off. Maybe with friends and family but I was too self aware in it to wear it around several 100 people. So I settled on my precancer tankini. It fit pretty good until we started going on slides. One side kept slipping because I don't fill it out the way I used to. I can't feel when it slides so I had to wear a t-shirt the whole time. I just kept thinking of Tara Reid and when her breast was revealed on the red carpet but she couldn't feel it because surgical scars etc. from her breast enhancement. That would have been me if I didn't have a the t-shirt. EEK!!!

I also noticed that in my age group most of the men have "beer bellies" and most of the women are pretty slender and wearing bikinis. So not fair. There were also ladies in bikinis who shouldn't have been . I thought if they could wear them then I should feel secure to wear one too. (When I lose another 10-30 pounds!!!)

Its not my time

I love this song by 3 Doors Down
It is a great theme song for showing cancer that it won't win!!!

Looking back at the beginning of this
And how life was
Just you and me and love and all of our friends
Living life like an ocean
Now the current's slowly pulling me down
It's getting harder to breathe
It won't be too long and I'll be going under
Can you save me from this

'Cause it's not my time,I'm not going
There's a fear in me
It's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh, I won't go

I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I'm in a world that tries to take 'em away
Oh, but I'm taking them back
'Cause all this time I've just been to blind to understand
What matter to me
My friend, this life we live
Is not what we have, it's what we believe

And it's not my time
I'm not going
There's a fear in me
It's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh, It's not my time
I'm not going
There's a fear in me
And now I know that
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh, but I won't go
I won't go

There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
There might be more than you can see

But it's not my time
I'm not going
There's a fear in me
It's not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
But it's not my time
I'm not going
There's a will in me
Now it's gonna show
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Ohoho

There might be more than you believe
(There might be more than you believe)
There might be more than you can see
I won't go
I know I won't go down
Yeah, yeah

Not another one...

We have lost another wonderful lady on our Young Survivor Coalition boards. That makes 5 in the last several months. Two of them in just the last two weeks. All of these women have left behind husbands and children under the age of six. They were all so filled with life and never afraid to express their thoughts, including their fears. This is so unfair!!!!!

Winding down panels

I am done reviewing grant proposals for breast cancer research. The first day really wiped me out but today was much better. I feel like I have figure out how the process works and now I am geared up for more. Hopefully I will be invited back again next year.

Everyone keep buying the breast cancer stamps at the post office as that money is some of the funding that is award through this process.

20 years versus 2 years

So I have been in touch with a few old friends from high school. Most of this has been through email and Facebook although there are talks of lunches etc. It is so nice to catch up with them. In my mind, I still see them the way they were our senior year. If they ask to see a current picture of me, I send most of them the picture taken right before I started treatment. I was fairly thin with long red, blonde hair etc. Not to far removed from the way I looked 20 years ago - just updated and older. I don't think I look "bad" now but I am at point where people who see me can't tell I have been sick. They look at me and say why did she cut off all that wonderful hair and why did she gain so much weight. (Even the guy checking my ID and boarding pass at the airport commented about me cutting all my hair off!) UGH!!!!

People who have been through the journey with me know that I look a heck of alot better now than a year ago. And most of the time I really don't care what people think of me. Cancer taught me to let go of that. But this group of people is different. I know I shouldn't worry about what old high school friends think but remember how important appearance was in high school? I think I still attach this thought process to some of my old friends. Shallow? Maybe. We always want to impress those who knew us back then. I don't care what they look like but stress about what their response to me will be.

The fact is that almost two years ago I didn't know if I would be around to reconnect with high school buddies. So I should be thankful (and they should be thankful too) that I am even here to make the connection.

Trying again

I had a nice post this morning and lost it all when I tried to post it from the hotel computers.

DC is humid but great. I am soooo tired though having to start out my days by getting up at 4:00 Boise time. We are 2/3 through our proposals and it is intense. My brain is mush!!! I feel so inferior to the scientists but I know they really want my take on things.

I am one of the youngest women here and the "newest" survivor at 1 year, 8 months. Being here is emotional and the lack of sleep isn't helping. What a great experience it has been!