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Friday, January 18, 2008

Getting confidence back...or not...

A local DJ has been diagnosed and has starting blogging her experience. I posted on her blog the other day saying "It is a scary journey but I have met such wonderful people along the way and I have discovered a strength and confidence in myself that I never knew was there." But I have realized this week that there is some confidence I have lost as well.

The confidence I gained throughout treatment was in how strong I was and basically just how I was dealing with having to fight for my life. However, yesterday I was in front of a crowd of 50+ people and the chair of the committee who planned the day's events and I was flustered. If you know me well then you know I enjoy public speaking and leading. It is usually one of my most confident moments but this time was different. I am always aware of how I look in front of a crowd - is my hair in the right place, is there spinach in my teeth, will I trip up on my words. Yesterday was a much more hightened sense of that awareness. I felt the need to prove to myself and everyone else that I still had "it" - leadership skills, public speaking skills, and even creativity. I was so afraid of having a chemo brain moment and forgetting something major during the discussion I was leading or in coordinating the day. Granted only the 8 people on the planning committee and about 2 people in the group we were presenting to know I had cancer recently. When I didn't have hair and puffed up on steroids I was very insecure but I knew people would also be understanding of why I might not be focused. Now I am starting to look normal again and so people might not be as forgiving of my oversights.

So I have gained confidence in who I am and how strong I am but I am insecure about my ability focus and remember things. I hate chemo brain. It has forced me to give up my quest for perfection. That is a good thing but not an easy change to make. I am hoping in time I will be able to "shoot from the hip" with confidence.

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